The Life of a Dark Rose

My experience as a "Dark Rose."

Pain and suffering is a guarantee, happiness is just a phase, did I miss the happiness phase?

Early life.
Looking back, it is difficult to pinpoint where things went wrong. I’ve always been a shadow man; my presence is there but is never felt. My friends were always the ones in the spotlight while I watched with envy. I have never been a leader, always a follower, and that was apparent to everyone. The constant reminders had brewed a dark, wicked hatred inside of me. As time went on, the hatred led me to ultimately isolate myself. I had left the friends I had out of an ego based on the biggest insecurity I had.

The Good Times.
It wasn’t all negative. I had some fun times that I think about all the time. I cling to them because they are my second-to-last memories of being happy, but we will get to the first later… Baseball was once my whole life, a ribbon lost in the wind now. My parents ended up running a league, so they made it fun. They made it a home away from home for everyone. I had the same teammates every year aside from a few; it was a family. Every day after practice we would run around the giant grass field and go to the park; we were having the time of our lives. Most times they would all come over to my house to swim and stay the night. We would stay up until sunrise either outside wandering about, in my garage playing, or in my room playing Black Ops 2 zombies. To be honest, they were all a little too crazy for me at times. That’s where Bri comes in. She was the only girl on the team, but she was more of a boy than anyone on the team. She was crazy but also chill; she understood me the most. She became my best friend quickly because of that. She would stand up for me when our other friends would pester me. I miss my baseball family; I miss baseball.

The Downfall.
December 8th, 2016
I will never forget this day despite my young age. Thursday, Oakland Raiders vs. Kansas City Chiefs. It was a normal day; the only thing out of the ordinary would have been my dad being in Arizona visiting family. At around 10pm that night there was a knock on our door, quite odd for a knock at that time in our quiet neighborhood. I was 11, and my sisters were 16 and 6, so naturally my mom answered the door, followed by my eldest sister. I remember seeing flashlights; I remember looking out the window before and thinking, “Are the neighbors trick-or-treating or something?” Silly 11-year-old me, but the memory is so vivid. My mom opened the door, and there stood two police officers. We had no idea why they were at our door at 10pm. They asked if my brother lived there, and my mom instantly assumed he got in trouble. She said yes… In cold blood, the officer says he was hit by a car in a hit-and-run and was pronounced dead on the scene. My younger sister and I were too young to process it, but I witnessed the effect it had on my mom and sister. My brother was my dad’s son and not my mom’s, but she practically raised him. The officers needed to speak to my dad, who was out of state, so I sat there and had to listen to the officers restate my brother’s death to my dad over speakerphone. I witnessed him die in that moment too, though I couldn’t see him. The officers went to their squad car and handed my little sister and me teddy bears, told my mom to call the coroner’s office on Monday, and left. Angel Adam Lopez 8/12/1989-12/8/2016

The Downfall. (continued)
December 9th, 2016
I show up to school the very next morning, and my teacher calls me up. She asks me about what happened, and there I broke down. I try to contain myself because I’m in the front of the class, but the pain was unbearable. She asks me if she could share with the class… Still to this day, I’m uncertain as to why she would ask. I told her no and carried on. Later that day she releases me to lunch to “feel better.” I saw through the facade. I come back from lunch, and surprise! The class made me a card signed by everyone, including my past teachers. Now I had all my classmates who have never experienced loss telling me they are sorry. The classmates that I would trade Pokémon cards with each gave me free cards. It only made things worse now that everyone knew.

Lost.
I was going to middle school alone, and at the same time my family was falling apart. I started to do badly in school; I barely skated by. At home everyone wasn’t exactly there; we were all in our separate worlds grieving. I began to disconnect from my family. I was slowly drowning. I began to hide in my room all day. At the time I thought I wasn’t affected very much, but looking back I was so wrong. It wasn’t the loss that did all the damage; it was watching my family struggle, disconnect, and ultimately me being alone. From then on I was in full isolation. Not knowing how bad it was for me. I completely gave up in school. I’m being honest; it was fun. Once I gave up, school wasn’t as bad as I had perceived. I would show up just to talk to friends and do anything but work. Hidden behind that mask was the most broken, wing-ridden angel there was. I was so insecure; I had so much hate in my heart. I ended up getting in trouble for punching some kid on the bus, and that was the nail in the coffin for me. I was on the verge of getting kicked out of the school. It was later in the year at that point, and I had realized middle school didn’t matter. I failed almost every class and moved on to high school.

The Abyss.
The downfall after the downfall, the abyss. Most of my friends went to another high school, so I was left with two. Halfway through freshman year, I stopped talking to them over petty things. Baseball season arrives, and I’m excited to play on the high school level. I started off doing great. I lived up to the expectations people had for me. I was having fun until Covid hit 5 games into the season. Season canceled, everyone indoors. I thought I was in an abyss before, but lockdown showed me a deeper, darker abyss. It became apparent to me that school friends were just school friends. I was so alone that I resorted to gaming an unhealthy amount. I still paid no mind to school, so to me, online school gave me more of a reason to game. I was a zombie, to say the least, only coming out of my room to eat or use the bathroom. The online world consumed me; it may have been extremely unhealthy, however. There were unforgettable memories and fine people. The friends I made online became better friends than anyone. My family mentioned how I talked to my online friends more than them. I was so disconnected that I didn’t realize or really care. The rest of freshman year, sophomore year, and a good portion of junior year were online. For those 2 years I was chronically online. I began to run low on money, so I sold my Xbox. The only thing that gave me some form of entertainment. I began to rot in bed watching damn near every movie on Netflix out of intense boredom. Shortly later I started talking to a girl, and she became my first girlfriend. She made time pass; it was a relief. Later in junior year, we all went back to school. I still wore a mask to hide the insecurities. I failed two classes on top of pretty much all the classes I failed the year before, so I was in trouble. Some of my teachers were concerned about what I was going to do with my life. One of my teachers actually took the time to talk to me and help me pass. One of the assignments I turned in was a small writing assignment, and I apparently blew her away with it. She turned my 40% F into a C. Thank you, Mrs. L. Come senior year, the career counselor tells me I have two options: stay after school to make up classes or go to continuation school. After a talk with my mom, I chose continuation school.

Blank Page.
Continuation school starts identically; I hated it. It was a fresh start for me, with no worries other than passing and escaping. Over time I started to enjoy it; the immense hate I once had for school was now gone. The classes were smaller, and the teachers focused more on each student. I could feel the care the teachers had, and that soft touch meant so much. I ended up getting put into a program within the school where I was making up all the classes I failed on a computer, but all day. The coursework was cake; all the answers were on Quizlet. Within 3 weeks I was out of there. February 1st, 2023

Totaled.
The damage I did to myself during those years was irreparable; my life was totaled.
I lied so much I forgot who I was. Different personas for different people. I hated so much that I lost all my friends. I isolated myself to the point where I created a rift between me and my parents. Not to mention the subtle hate I developed for my mom. At the end of the day, she just wanted me to pass, but she was always hounding me over failing. She never showed true understanding and always made me feel inferior. I never had one actual conversation with my parents during those years. It was always me listening and agreeing or disagreeing, at most adding the slightest input. It was always awkward speaking to them; I could never bring myself to speak. This damage I’ve done, how do I fix it? How do I put a salvage title on my life?

One Eighty.
After graduating, it felt as if a mountain was lifted off me. I felt an immediate and overwhelming sense of relief. My parents noticed how different I was. I no longer carried the same animosity towards them that I once did. I was content. What do I do now, though? I have all this free time and nothing to do. No real hobbies, no real interests, no friends. I started working alongside my dad in the garage door business. I was familiar with it since I helped him here and there growing up. I got good at it, and being with my dad daily helped our relationship. I started to enjoy things that I once hated. I hated everything. School wasted so much of my time that I hated anything additional. I was going out more, spending time with family; things were okay. Things were okay, but a sense of emptiness lingered within me.

Shot Down.
March 22nd, 2024
Just as everything was going well, I was shot down and rid of my wings. On my way home from work with my dad, he starts spreading his story as usual. This time was different. This time it was serious. He explained how he and my mom aren’t doing too well and intend on taking different roads. In that moment I felt a light inside of me dim forever. It made me realize that I never really witnessed my parents have the greatest relationship. It all started to come together. After all he said he hit me with the “you’re 18 now so I don’t know what your plan is”. That left me wondering that as well. I had no plan, I was backed into a corner. I started to think and well I guess I did always want to join the military.

Impulse.
I wanted more; I wanted the world. I was doing alright; I had freedom, but I didn’t have the world. My family was soon to fall apart, all that led me to consider joining the military, the Navy to be specific. It was something I once considered, so why not? I’d be able to do things I would’ve never done and get compensated for it. I finally mustered up the courage to talk about it; I couldn’t bring myself to tell my dad. I didn’t want to disappoint him. I knew he would be supportive but I felt like I was abandoning him. I was also getting really good in the business. That following Monday I hopped in the truck and head down to the Navy office.
August 5th, 2024 Within two visits I was already 100% confident in joining, I knew there was no backing out. I signed my contract and there I was waiting around to be shipped off. My ship date was September 30th, 2024. So quick and little to no consideration, sign sign sign my life away. I had nothing to lose, I had nothing at home worth staying for. The only thing going on was our business. I had no real friends aside from my online friends I would go visit in person. I had broken up with my girlfriend and completely stopped talking to her by this point. I really had nothing to lose and everything to gain. There I went.

Fever Dream.
September 30th, 2024
The day has finally come, a new beginning. I wake up at close to 4am and begin to get ready. At around 11am I rose my right hand and took my oath of enlistment. On the way to the airport I was texting my mom seeing if they would make it to the airport before I go. It was looking like they wouldn’t make it. They made it in time and seeing the truck pull up gave me relief. We all hugged, I cried for the first time in awhile, then I walked off. My first time ever on an airplane would be me going off to bootcamp, who would’ve thought? I landed in chicago and was on the hunt for the USO office. I get there and it all begins. We power off our phones and wait in line. We head down to the street level and are all sitting there on the ground criss cross. Probably the most uncomfortable I have ever been in my life. Sitting there exhausted on the cold floor of Chicago O’Hare International Airport. We were there for what felt like an eternity waiting on the bus and also being briefed on what to expect. The bus finally arrived and now it was getting realer. I took a nap on the bus and was awaken by the person sitting next to me, I look out the window into the night sky and read the sign that says “Naval Station Great Lakes”. I was preparing, we come to a halt and we start running off the bus into the room with the flags. We are all there lined up making our final phone calls before it all starts. The processing takes the whole night so we didn’t get to sleep until the following day. The exhaustion was immense. We finally get the opportunity to sleep and there I made my first mistake. You aren’t supposed to sleep shirtless and I was so tired I must’ve misheard that so I instantly took my shirt off. “Recruit what in the fuck do you think you’re doing” he wasn’t too serious because he wasn’t our actual RDC (recruit division commander). I “unfucked myself” and finally went to rest. I wake up the second the lights turn on and chaos begins, 15 minutes for 100 dudes to brush their teeth and shave in the head (bathroom) with about 10 sinks. Later that day we are told to sit and wait for our RDCs to arrive. I was so tense and once I heard they were about to enter I could feel my heart racing. The RDCs arrive in unison and give their introductions. I thought it would be a lot scarier. The rest of bootcamp is a haze, I don’t recall much more aside from the highlights. I just remember us joking towards the end that we would wake up on graduation day and be back on day one.

The Lone Sailor.
December 12th, 2024
Graduation day is here, I made it. I was worried because I wasn’t able to make my phone call the night before due to my phone being dead. I had no idea if my parents were able to make it. Everyone in the compartment is excited and it was a beautiful sight to see. We march down to the drill hall and do one final practice before our performance. We finish and begin our march down to the graduation. It is -4 degrees outside and I guess we were running behind so all 10 divisions start running. It was fun running alongside all the friends I made to our final event of bootcamp. We are outside waiting outside for the doors to open, all freezing our asses off. I could feel icicles forming on my eyelashes it was so cold. The doors open and we enter. It was like entering a stadium, screaming, whistling, in that moment I felt pride. It was so loud I couldn’t heard our orders but luckily we practiced it enough to know what to do. I was looking around for my parents while at parade rest and finally I saw them. When they saw me aswell I was so happy. As the ceremony ends the families rush the deck. I finally spot them through the ocean of chaos. Reunited again we talk for a bit before I get ready to go back so I can check out. I spend the next 2 days exploring Chicago before I move on to my next command.

New Life.
I move on from Great Lakes onto new things. I was able to take leave for Christmas so I went home. Landing in San Francisco and walking outside, something about the California air made me feel back home. I instantly asked to drive home and I felt alive. Driving has always been my peace, my escape. It felt like I never left, it felt like it was all a fever dream. Everything was just how I remembered, nothing had changed but the date. It was truly strange. It was nice to sleep in my soft bed for once, I spent most of my leave sleeping. The emptiness was still lingering inside me. I wasn’t happy nor sad, just empty.

Rockstar Girl.
I wanna tell y’all a story about this girl I met. I don’t know if it was in person or if it was in one of my dreams but she a bigger rockstar than I am. - Juice WRLD: Rockstar Girl
You know who you are. Ironically the one who got me into Substack, now I’m writing about you. I still see you in my Substack notifications and can’t get rid of it. It bothered me at first, it made me not want to use this app. I love this app though, it gives me a place to express myself through writing, one of my passions. Anyway our connection was rare, something I thought only existed in stories. I never expected to feel so seen and understood by someone. It all just clicked with you, I have never felt that way. You redefined happiness for me. Before I settled for contentment without realizing how much more there was. I couldn’t stop smiling, even when it hurt. You were so special to me. I hope you know I don’t hate you. I really don’t which I know is crazy but I have no reason to. The pain I carry now is a small price for the light you once brought into my life. If this pain is the cost of knowing that kind of happiness, I’d pay every time. Such a bittersweet pain. Even as I bleed out a broken smile clings to my lips like a ghost of better days. My friends tell me to move on, I should. I don’t know if I ever will. I knew it was your blade that found my back, but if it had to be anyone, I’m glad it was you. Bloody blade blade blade blade. I gave you everything real in me. I wish you'd thought I was worth the truth. I don’t blame you though, I truly have no animosity towards you and hope you’re doing great. I walked away and shut the door behind me, but I never locked it. I don’t feel like I owe an apology but that’s the state I’m in, I’m sorry for closing the door. I shouldn’t be apologizing considering you lied to me and continued the lie until the end. I wonder if you regret what you’ve done. I think you do considering you’re human but I don’t think you do based on what I know. Maybe you do though considering you were playing with Tokyo. Strange to me but whatever. People tell me I dodged a bullet but in reality it went through me. People tell me it’s your loss but I feel the loss. I couldn’t eat for about a month. Thoughts of suicide came to me so naturally it no longer bothered me. I wish to sleep and never wake up. I wish I wish I wish, I wish you didn’t do what you did. Maybe in another life time. Goodbye Rockstar Girl, ghost girl.

Withered.
I continue to walk this lonely road, leaving a trail of blood behind. I hope things get better but I don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel currently. I still never pulled out the blade in me because it is the last thing of you I have. You were always concerned about me breaking one day, who would’ve thought you made me reach my breaking point. I am okay, I hurt but I am okay. The thoughts I have don’t bother me though they linger. I know I will never go that route. I started my class and it is hard, especially when I can’t focus. The days are long and the weeks are somewhat short. Everyday I hope time moves faster so I hurt less. Although I see no light, I’m used to being in the abyss. It isn’t my first time here, just my first time this deep.

The Dark Rose
For anyone who may read this hi, I’m Mikey and this is my story. I am not looking for sympathy, I’m simply telling my story. It is something I have kept in for far too long. Substack is an app I enjoy and intend on writing more on, I have been quite heavy minded with no motivation recently. I hope my work ends up reaching more people, I hope at least one person can read this and relate and or take something away from it. I may be only 20 but for anyone younger or that needs to hear this, Thinking is good for you. Think think think. It has saved me many times, made me realize certain things, and made me stronger despite me being so weak.

I dedicate this to my dad and the person who got me into this app wherever you are.
I am not going to revise this, sending it out real and raw, from my heart.
Thank you for reading.

-Mikey